JANET: Breaking news, viewers. Humanity has just exploded the last piece of explodable material on the planet, and there’s nothing left to explode.
BRETT: Incredible news, Janet. Nuclear reactions, gunpowder, petrol, Pop Rocks… they’re all out?
JANET: That’s right, Brett – the whole she‘bang’.
*Sounds of strained but polite laughter.*
JANET: So, what do you make of this shocking development, Brett?
BRETT: It’s a hell of a thing, Janet. How are we even on the air? Doesn’t this station use something that explodes?
JANET: It sure does, Brett. Management tells me we’re down to our final backup explosions, so we’d better make this a good one.
BRETT: Or a barely palatable one, at the least. How’s the world reacting, Janet?
JANET: Oh, poorly, Brett. Excitement is at an all-time low, while self-reflection is increasing at an alarming rate. If the trend keeps going, we’ll soon reach hereto unforetold levels of self-awareness.
BRETT: That sounds dreadful, Janet. Anything to take our minds off this impending calm?
JANET: Absolutely, Brett. Let’s go to our US correspondent Samantha, who joins us from upstate New York.
SAMANTHA: Greetings, Brett, Janet. Here I am in picturesque upstate New York. At this time of day, normally, there’d be three… maybe four mowers going at any time, but now – can you hear that?
*The camera pans across a series of overgrown lawns.*
BRETT: It sounds like silence to me, Samantha.
SAMANTHA: It is, Brett! And it’s awful. We’re only two blocks away from the local firing range and nothing. Not even the smallest of ‘pop’s. I’ve never even heard of that before.
BRETT: It certainly is unprecedented, Samantha.
JANET: Or is it, viewers? We now go to historian Anthony Covers from the National Museum of Minor Explosions for some insight. Tell us, Anthony, what exactly does humanity do with one billion firearms and no explosions?
ANTHONY: I’m glad you asked, Janet. The first thing to remember is that this has happened before.
JANET: It has?
ANTHONY: Yes, Janet. In the Battle of Hastings, soldiers were reported to have run out of gunpowder early in their campaign. Out of desperation, they turned their rifles into sharpened clubs and threw them at the enemy instead.
JANET: That’s… not quite how I remember that one, Anthony. Are you sure they weren’t just regular spears?
ANTHONY: Well, most of the records focus on the end of the battle, Janet. They’d probably run out of them by then.
JANET: But is that an effective strategy for a modern army, Anthony?
ANTHONY: It’s a lot more effective than a rifle with no explosions, Janet.
JANET: It certainly is, Anthony.
BRETT: Meanwhile, Major Roberts of the British Army has already made a start on adapting to this new world. Major, how go the efforts?
ROBERTS: Oh, splendidly, Brett. We were actually the first to notice our explosions were getting low – call it British intuition – so we’ve been training on spear crafting and throwing for the last six months.
BRETT: Impressive foresight, Major. And how’s that going?
ROBERTS: Well, it was a struggle at first. New cadets couldn’t make a spear out of a rifle to save their lives in the beginning. One poor lad even tried tying his bayonet on with chewing gum. But now, with my new drills, the average soldier can hammer their rifle into a perfectly serviceable spear in under sixty seconds. Using nothing but a stone from the pavement at that.
BRETT: Fantastic. And the throwing?
ROBERTS: A work in progress, Brett, but improving. Our soldiers can now reliably spear a target at eight meters. Ten by the fall, gods willing.
BRETT: Remarkable, Major. Do let us know if you manage to bring back cavalry.
ROBERTS: One step ahead of you Brett. I’ve just requisitioned three donkeys and an ex-racehorse and started them on spear jousting in case of beach landings.
BRETT: And what will they be landing from, Major? Some sort of self-propelled barge, perhaps? Are you working on boats that don’t require explosions?
ROBERTS: …
BRETT: You did think of that, didn’t you, Major?
*Awkward silence continues for several seconds, followed by an alarming noise.*
*The camera faces Janet.*
JANET: We now interrupt this story to share a truly explosive update. We have just received news that one grandma Ethel of Fall Creek, Wisconsin, discovered an old set of party crackers while cleaning out the closet under the second-floor stairs. Most of them appear to be pre-popped, but reports indicate one cracker remains intact in what could very well be the last explosion ever. We’ll be shifting to a live stream of the event when the time comes.
BRETT: Incredible news, Janet. Sparsely attended, I’m sure, at this rate. How exactly are people getting about these days?
JANET: Great question, Brett. We now go to Jack from Queensland, Australia, who’s ready to show the world how it’s done. Jack, can you hear us?
JACK: G’day, Brett, Janet.
JANET: How’s the feeling on the ground, Jack?
JACK: Oh, good, good. Look, as the only nation to lose a war against unarmed, flightless birds despite being armed with high-calibre automatic weapons1, a small subset of the Australian people have long felt that explosions are overrated.
JANET: But aren’t the distances in Australia rather great, Jack? How will residents get about the country now?
JACK: The way they always used to, Janet. Slap on a hat, grab a horse, and away you go, simple as that.
JANET: And what’s that you’ve got there, Jack?
*The microphone picks up an excited whinnying noise.*
JACK: Oh, this is my horse, Thunder, Janet. I’m about to ride up from the Gold Coast to Cairns to show these people how it’s done.
JANET: Outstanding. We’ll touch base again later to see how it’s going.
BRETT: So, Anthony, what does history have to say about horses?
ANTHONY: Man’s best friend, I believe they’re called, Brett.
BRETT: I think you’re confusing them with dogs, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Would you rather ride a horse or a dog, Brett?
BRETT: You’ve got me there, Anthony.
*Muffled sounds of something popping a plastic bag can be heard from the speakers.*
JANET: And now, a word from our sponsors…
SCREEN: Feeling tired?
SCREEN: World got you down?
SCREEN: Why not take an adventure with your very own…
SCREEN: Blast from the past!
*Sounds of an explosion detonate from the screen.*
SCREEN: Why not take an all-expenses paid trip on the Riviera with the world’s oldest combustion engine?
*Sounds of an engine revving pass through the screen.*
SCREEN: Fly over the countryside in a luxurious prop engine joyride or take a trip through the Swiss Alps on one of the world’s longest-operating steam engine.
SCREEN: Your adventure awaits…
*A voice whispers something that sounds like the words ‘pure’ or ‘essence’ followed by the sound of a V8 engine revving.*
*The screen goes silent.*
JANET: Well, that’s unfortunate timing, isn’t it, Brett.
BRETT: It certainly is, Janet. Maybe they’ll get it right with the next one.
JANET: I don’t think they will, Brett. Any new commercials will need explosions, too, won’t they.
BRETT: That’s true, Janet. In fact, the toll of this newfound wave of quiet and stillness has been immense. Not just auditory, but psychological as well. We now turn to our spiritual guidance counsellor, Sage Moon, for a few words of comfort.
SAGE: Blessings of the universe be upon you, Brett.
BRETT: And upon you, Sage. Now tell us, what does the universe make of this pause?
SAGE: Well, Brett, when the universe grows quiet, it’s often a sign for your feelings to get loud. Rather than exploding something on the outside, we don’t we turn our minds inward and detonate our worries instead. Would you like to join me in a guided meditation, Brett?
BRETT: Absolutely, Sage. Let’s light that fire.
SAGE: Alright, Brett. Now follow me.
*Sage sits on a sofa, legs crossed, arms raised into the air in an unspecified direction.*
SAGE: Now, breathe in.
*Several seconds pass.*
SAGE: And out…
*Several more seconds pass. Sage rearranges her arms, the direction again unclear.*
SAGE: And in again…
*The microphone picks up a hissing sound as Sage mimics the lighting of an imaginary fuse.*
SAGE: And out…
*Several seconds pass, and then – Sage mimics an explosion with her breath, letting all the air out of her lungs while her fingers make a motion like crumpling up paper. Several seconds of poignant silence follow.*
BRETT: Incredible, Sage. Just… incredible.
SAGE: Are you feeling refreshed, Brett?
BRETT: I certainly am, Sage. I’ll tell you someone else who’s feeling refreshed. How’s it going out there, Jack?
JACK: It’s, ah… it’s all great, mate.
JANET: It’s looking a bit warm out there, Jack. How are you holding up in this heat?
JACK: Ah, yeah, nah. It’s great, mate. Definitely a few degrees warmer on the old asphalt than I’m used to, but, ah… she’ll be right, eh.
BRETT: And how far have you made it, Jack?
JACK: I’m at Yatala, Brett2.
BRETT: Sounds delicious, Jack. Let us know if you stop off for a bite.
JACK: You’ll be the first to know, Brett.
JANET: Now… a word for our viewers. Make sure to keep your loved ones and pets out of the elements as we adjust to this new, explosion-less era.
BRETT: I’ll tell you what’s not standing still, though, Janet: stock prices. Let’s go to Steve, who’s reporting live from Wall Street. Steve, what are the markets saying?
STEVE: A lot, Brett, a lot. Mowers are down; handsaws are up. Bicycle trades have jumped nine hundred percent in the last hour alone, and popcorn sales are set to – well – explode.
*Sounds of laughter.*
JANET: And should we be buying or selling, Steve?
STEVE: There’s never been a better time to invest, Brett.
JANET: You heard it here first, folks. Let’s open those wallets.
BRETT: Now let’s get a word from Anthony. Anthony, how have markets traditionally responded to global upheaval such as this?
ANTHONY: Oh, surprisingly well, Brett. When Prometheus stole fire from Mt Olympus, did the markets crash then? I don’t think so, Brett.
BRETT: …
JANET: …
BRETT: Thank you, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Always a pleasure, Brett.
JANET: Now, hold on – it’s almost time for the last explosion. Do we have one more moment to check in with Jack?
BRETT: I believe so, Janet.
JANET: Jack? Jack…? Are you there, Jack?
*The microphone catches sounds of alarm and the sound of a person humming like an ambulance*
JANET: It seems Jack has had a bit of a tumble. He’s being carted away on a hand stretcher and, oh – what’s that over there?
*The camera pans to a picture of a horse standing in the shade, drinking from a nearby creek.*
BRETT: It’s Thunder, Janet. Safe and sound, it seems.
*Thunder makes a neighing sound.*
JANET: Well, there you have it, folks – the transportation of the future. But now, let’s cross over live to the final explosion.
*The camera switches to a picture of an old farmhouse out on the plains.*
*Sounds of people talking come across on the screen as a younger man helps an old woman out onto the porch holding a small, coloured piece of paper with a frayed string.*
BRETT: Here comes Grandma Ethel and, oh – it seems she has the party popper, but will it explode?
JANET: I don’t know Brett. Time to find out. Someone’s coming out to help her, and here we go –
MAN: Ten.
MAN: Nine.
MAN: Seven.
MAN: Sorry, sorry – eight.
MAN: Six.
MAN: Five.
MAN: Four.
MAN: Three.
MAN: Two.
MAN: One!
*A brief pause follows, followed by a soft popping sound and scattered applause. Somewhere in the background, the sound of someone crying can be heard.*
BRETT: I can still remember my first party popper. My parents got me some for my eighth birthday.
JANET: My mum used to put sparklers on my birthday cakes.
*Several seconds of silence ensue.*
BRETT: Well… it was good while it lasted, Janet.
JANET: It certainly was, Brett.
*The two newscasters face the camera and put down their notes.*
BRETT: Over the course of two thousand years, we as a species have exploded just about anything that can be exploded. On land, in the air, even under the sea. We’ve exploded new things, old things, even made things with the express purpose of exploding them.
JANET: Incredible, Brett. Truly incredible.
BRETT: I’ll say, Janet. What’s next? Try being civil?
*Faint static runs across the screen as the vision grows dim.*
JANET: It’s a start, Brett. It’s a start…
Author’s note:
Inspired by a photograph of a soldier loading a tank in WWII.
Got me wondering how much explosive material must have been used in the conflict (a lot), how much we’re capable of creating (even more), and what could happen if we ever ran out.
Probably not this, but… maybe?
A.J.Dahms 